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(Disclaimer: The original concept of the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. “You are left 2 die forever now” ( belongs to The ender of lives. Left 4 Dead and its various properties belong to Valve Corporation. Danny Richardson, Laura Dukes, and Rachel Calendar belong to me. The following story contains violence, bad language, and excruciatingly bad spelling.)

"You are left 2 Die 4 evers" said the man in the chopper wih the evil skul faes. "You guys are not to live becuz your last hopes for zombiz and not humans. So you die becuz zombies want to eats your brainz."

Laura cackled gleefully.

This was no ordinary laugh. This was a sound that had been carefully honed into a weapon of pure mockery through hours and hours of online gaming. It was often the last thing a careless gamer heard before they were forced to the respawn screen. One of Laura’s chuckles could make the most experienced veteran throw their controller through the nearest window.

It was pretty funny watching other agents squirm when Laura laughed at them, Danny reflected as he tried to flick his lighter on. A Department of Intelligence agent had actually run away screaming.

It wasn’t so funny when it was directed at him. He knew Laura wasn’t laughing at the actual text. She’d probably go flamethrower-crazy long before she found a fic like this intentionally amusing.

“That sentence wasn’t even remotely humorous,” Danny muttered around the bleepette hanging from his lip.

Laura’s giggles subsided a little. “Christ, the expression on your face when you read that sentence,” she said. “I thought you were going to have an aneurysm!” She burst out laughing again.

The male agent scowled as he flicked the lighter again. This Stu, he thought. This goddamn Stu. A Stu that comes back from three shotgun blasts at close range really takes the fun out of being in the PPC.

The two agents were on top of a dilapidated office building in the middle of a burning Generic City. The moans and screams of the Infected could be heard trickling up from the street. A misshapen helicopter was hovering above them. Gunfire rang out above the noise of the rotor.

“If only it were that easy,” he said. His lighter once again refused to spark.

“Hey, can you cut it out with the lighter!” Laura exclaimed. “That’s starting to annoy me more than the frigging text!”

Danny didn’t bother looking around. “Damn thing’s out of fuel anyway.”

The redhead snatched the device out of his hand and flicked it. It sparked and caught. “Looks fine to me.”

“How’d you do that?”

“I flicked the little switch thing and voila, fire.”

“Funny.” Danny leaned forward and ignited his bleepette on the flickering flame.

Laura grinned before blowing out the lighter and tossing it back to her partner. “If you’re done moping about, get out your notebook and get writing. We’ve got a Stu to rekill.”

Chopper man said "no Bob, you bad man. Do you want to kill humans?" And he got his revolva and shot him in the hand. Bob said "That doesn hurt me beacuz my arm is mades of robot."

“Is it just me,” Danny remarked as he jotted down the new charges, “or is the spelling and grammar actually worse than in the first one?”

“It’s not you.” Laura squinted at the helicopter. “Hey, wait a minute! The Stu’s not a sandwich any more! Damnit, I had a bunch of sandwich jokes all ready and everything!”

“I’m so sorry for you. Life is just so unfair.”

“There were some real good ones in there, too. I had an awesome bit about salami.”

The chopper man shot Bob's head and Bob fell off the chopper.

The two agents cheered and clapped.

But Bob threw his knife and chopped of chopper man's arm and his arm fell off and it got stuck in the propler and the helicporter smashed and exploded.

“Oh. No wonder he survived my shooting him,” Danny said. He took the bleepette from his mouth and blew out a cloud of bleach-scented smoke. “I’ve got to say, these things really work. That line didn’t piss me off nearly as much as I thought it would.”

“Goddamn cheating modding noob!”

Danny glanced over at his partner in surprise. “What was that all about?”

“A reflex. Play enough online video games and you get the same way.” Laura flipped the bird at the burning wreckage below.

Danny reached into his satchel and pulled out the remote activator. “We’d better get down there,” he said as he brought up a portal. “Who knows what kind of excitement we’re missing?”

The two agents stepped from the roof to a street covered with burning helicopter debris. Hordes of Infected surrounded the Stu, who was standing rather dramatically on top of a smashed car.


“No dude, that was you,” Laura said. “Remember? You threw your knife at the guy, and it cut off his arm, and that jammed up the rotor?” She sighed. “Mark charges for bad logic and Capslock of Rage.”

“Already done.”

They watched as the Stu kicked his car-slash-posing platform down the street. It crushed swathes of the Infected, but their numbers quickly swelled again as more appeared.

SO Bob got into car and droov way. But zombez cud run faster thanz cars becuz they wur vampire zombiz so they cud fly and run.

“They’ll run as fast as KENYANS!” Laura remarked with a grin on her face.

“Didn’t you already use that joke somewhere else?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Huh.” Danny scratched his head. “I just had the weirdest sense of déjà vu.”

They followed the Infected around the corner just time to see the Stu join up with a squad of soldiers. One of them handed him a rather bizarre looking gun. The two agents took over in the nearest alleyway, which was mostly occupied by a dilapidated van.

"Okay Bob but b carful becuz its prototip. Prototip gun is supa poweful but its dangeruz becuz it has raydeeashins. Raydeeashins are atomz that mak gun poweful so it can kil zombies and give thems Cancer AIDS and fire."

Danny winced and took another drag on his bleepette. “Is ‘rape of the English language’ a charge?” he said.

There was a pained look on Laura’s face, which was somewhat remarkable considering her own ‘chatspeak’ approach to the written word. “In this case, I think it is. ‘Raydeeashins?’ Holy Mother of Joss, you’ve got to put some effort into a misspelling that bad.”

And Bob got gun and kild all zombez in city with gun becuz it shot nuke boms that kill zombiez easy.

“Well, I guess the story’s over,” Laura said. “Anticlimactic, sure, but at least it was short. Time to kill the Stu!” She reached down to the submachine gun strapped to her thigh.

“We’re only about halfway through.”

“Oh, come on! You mean we don’t have enough charges yet?”

Danny tossed his bleepette butt to the ground and crushed it under his shoe. “I mean there is worse to come,” he said with all the dark foreshadowing he could muster.

But then army tanks came and they said "Bob you savd humans from zmobiez but no one musts no becuz peple scard of zombies becuz they eat brainz and u noes aboutz zombies so you must die no Bob so Die goodbye."

Laura muttered to herself as she reached into one of her pockets and pulled out a container of Bleeprin. She poured a few out into her palm before looking up at her partner. “Go on, say it.”

“Say what?”

“Oh, come off it! I know you’re just dying to get me back from before. We’re doing the sequel to Sandwich!Stu, lots of bad spelling, look at your face, har dee har. And now look! I’m the one getting all riled up while you’re calm as… something very calm! How ironic for me!” She tossed the pills into her mouth and chewed them up, grimacing as she did so.

Danny said nothing.

“Well? Come on!”

The blond agent shrugged. “Okay…” He cleared his throat. “Well, isn’t this a fine how do you do! It appears that the shoe is on the other foot now! Yessir, don’t you look pathetic!”

Laura looked at him for a second before laughing. Not one of her Mocking Laughs™, mind you, but a relatively pleasant chortle. “That was just sad,” she said.

“Hey, you put me on the spot! Good sarcasm can’t be rushed like that.” Danny paused. “Feeling better?”

Laura tilted her hand in a ‘so-so’ gesture. “I’ll feel a lot better when we croak the Stu.”

Both Danny and Laura turned back to the action. The Stu had killed off the soldiers in a needlessly dramatic way and was now facing off with the ‘chopper man’ from before.

“It’s a stand-off worthy of Sergio Leone…’s catering guy,” Danny commented.

And the chopper mna ran toards and kiked Bob in face with foot and brok his neck.

The two agents cheered and clapped again.

But Bob gravd Choper man and thru him on ground and smashed his skul but wen skul brok it wuz his dad.

“Danny, if you make a joke about Freud here, I’m going to shoot out your kneecaps.”

“Duly noted.”



“That’s it! I’m not taking any more of this bullshit!” Laura pulled her submachine gun out of its holster. She made to dash out of the alley but was stopped by Danny’s arms around her waist.

“Laura, no!” he said. “We can’t make a move until the Survivors get here!”

“They’ve got enough on their plate, they don’t no need to have them suffer through this!”

“Laura,” Danny’s voice suddenly slipped into ‘Stern Authoritarian’ mode. “Think about this. How were you going to kill the Stu?”

“By pumping his stupid guts full of lead!”

“I should rephrase that last question. How were you going to kill the Stu who has already been shot in the head and had his neck broken?”

“By…” Laura settled down. “Okay, that’s a good point.”

“Which is why you’re going to follow this plan I’m going to lay out right now. Okay?”

“Fine.” The redhead paused. “Uh, Danny?”


“You can let go of me now.”

Danny looked down. He was still holding his partner tightly against his own body. “Sorry,” he remarked quickly as he let go.

Laura brushed herself off. “Now,” she said. “About this plan…”

* * *

Bill and zoey and fransis and luis came and stpd Dad by kiking him with car. "NO, we sav Bob cuz he last hope!"

"I DONZ Wan be last hopesz.!"

“Good!” a female voice shouted. “I have no intention of letting you be the last hope!”

Everyone – the Stu, his father, the Survivors, the two mini-Tanks which had just spawned – looked around. “WHO SAYZ DAT” the Stu hollered.

Laura popped up from behind the smoldering wreckage of one of the army vehicles the Stu had so dramatically destroyed. “Right here, boomer bile for brains,” she said. “Let’s stay calm for a minute. Wouldn’t want anyone to get ventilated.” She waved her submachine gun around for emphasis.

“What iz dis! U MAK NO SENS!” the Stu replied with his usual intellectual depth.

“Bob, aka Marty Stu,” Laura recited. “You are charged with the following crimes against Left 4 Dead canon: being a Marty Stu, intensive cruelty to the English language, abusing the capslock, misconstruing the nature of the Infected, ignoring wounds that would be otherwise be lethal, being part robot, coming back from the dead, violating the laws of physics, bad logic, creating minis, being speshul, and annoying PPC agents.”

She then pointed her gun at the Stu’s father. “Chopper man, aka Dad and Marty Stu Senior! You are charged with being a Marty Stu, ignoring otherwise lethal wounds, coming back from the dead, and having a terrible reason to spread a zombie plague. I mean, seriously? Because humans pollute?” She shook her head. Behind her, what sounded a lot like the engine of a van starting up could be faintly heard.

“U MOK ME? I KILL U!” Stu Senior shouted, showing no sign that he’d heard the engine-like noise. He charged at the redheaded agent.

“I KILL U 2! YOU DIE NOW!” The original Stu joined his father in dashing at Laura.

Laura cackled. “I was hoping you’d both say that.” She darted aside just as a mechanical roar erupted from behind her. The Stus suddenly found themselves faced not with a twenty-something young woman armed with a weaksauce gun, but with the grille of a rapidly accelerating van.


Danny emerged from the alleyway with a machete in his hand and a newly lit bleepette in his mouth as Laura looked across the street at the van, which was now sticking out of a concrete wall. “I’m really glad I wasn’t actually in there,” he said.

“I told you this way was better,” Laura replied. “Crashing into something with a van at full speed can never end well. Plus, I don’t trust the airbags in this continuum. I see you got the lighter to work.”

“I flicked the little switch thing and voila, fire.”

They crossed the street past the still befuddled Survivors to look at the carnage up close. A few groans could be heard from the front of the van. The Stus were both still alive, but were now pinned between the wall and the vehicle.

“Miss Dukes, if you’d do the honors?” Danny said as he offered his partner the machete with a slight bow. “I’ll attend to the canon characters.”

“You’re such a gentleman, Mister Richardson.” Laura took the blade and gave it a practice swing. The two Stus looked at her in a stunned panic. “Now then,” she said as she raised it above her head. “Let’s see you survive this.”

Danny walked over to the Survivors as the sound of metal chopping through bone filled the air. “If you all just follow me,” he said as he put on his sunglasses. “I can lead you to where you need to go.”

* * *

“What’d you do with the Survivors?” Laura asked as the portal closed up behind the two agents. They were back in their RC along with a severed robotic arm and a burlap sack of something lumpy and bloody.

“Neuralyzed them and dropped them off at the beginning of No Mercy.” Danny nodded at the stained sack. “What did you need the arm for, again?”

“A trophy, of course!”

“And the Stu heads?”

“Snacks for Wich!”

The mini-tank pounded out of the bunkroom at the sound of his name. He growled happily when he saw Laura.

“Who’s been a good boy?” Laura said as she reached into the dripping bag. “Who deserves some Stu to munch on? Wich does!” She pulled out a severed ear and tossed it to the little Infected. He caught the disembodied organ in midair and punched it twice before starting to eat it.

“I don’t think heads are going to fit in your mini-fridge,” Danny said. “It’s already full of energy drinks, anyway.”

“No problem. I know some guys who can get me a cooler. But that can wait!” She dropped the bag of heads onto the console. “First, we need to celebrate finally burying this Stu once and for all! I suggest soda, chips, and a movie. I pick the type of soda and the movie. You can pick the chips so long as they’re not barbeque.”

“Your generosity in the matter of chips astounds me.”

Laura laughed again. Danny didn’t mind so much this time.
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October 2016

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