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[personal profile] vgdivision
(Disclaimer: The PPC was originally created by Jay and Acacia. ‘Touch My Body’ ( was originally written by Treskttn. Teen Titans and its associated characters belong to Glen Murakami and Warner Bros. Animation. The song ‘Touch My Body’ belongs to Mariah Carey. Xericka and Gremlin belong to me. Beta’d by doctorlit. The following story contains sexual situations.)

Someone was groaning in the bunkroom of Response Center 555. It was a horrendous noise, akin to something one might hear coming up from the deepest pit of any non-specific hell. The sound would have evoked a sense of pity in the heart of almost anyone listening. Unfortunately, the only one listening was Xericka, who was one of the individuals that made that ‘almost’ in the previous sentence necessary. But even she could make an effort at sympathy from time to time.

The Nobody waited, a mug of tea in each hand, as the door to the bunkroom slid open and a vaguely humanoid creature swathed in blankets slowly shuffled out. A trembling hand reached out for one of the mugs. Xericka silently passed it over and watched as the cloaked figure took a careful sip. Two bloodshot eyes could just barely be seen in the folds of the blankets.

“Thanks for not giving me the ‘I told you about drinking too much’ speech right off the bat,” the figure croaked as she drew the mug away from her mouth. “It’s appreciated.”

“Of course,” Xericka replied. “It is the least I can do.”

The blankets shook for a moment as Gremlin winced. “Quieter, please. It feels like there’s a high school band rehearsal going on in my skull right now.” She shuffled over to the couch and slowly sat down, as if she were afraid that the couch would suddenly collapse underneath her.

“My apologies,” Xericka whispered. She took a seat next to Gremlin and took a drink from her own mug. “Drink all of your tea. It will help with the rehydration process.”

“Mmm.” Gremlin paused in mid-sip to sniff at the air. “Were you frying something before?”

“I had read online that bacon sandwiches were supposed to be somewhat effective in alleviating the effects of a hangover. Unfortunately, unless you have a craving for the taste of charcoal, then my efforts in preparing said meal were less than successful.”

“Bacon sandwiches? Tea? No lectures?” Gremlin managed a lopsided smile. “Heh. I knew you really cared about me.”

Xericka bristled a little. “My concern is based around professional and logical reasoning, not emotional concerns. If you were unwell, then it would affect our overall mission performance and potentially put both our existences at risk. It is in the best interest of the team that you are restored to full health. That is all.”

“Uh huh, sure,” Gremlin said with a wink. “Just keep telling yourself—”


With a surprising turn of speed, Xericka vaulted over the back of the sofa and hit the mute button on the wailing console. The only sound in the silence that followed was a series of pained whimpers from the pile of bed sheets curled up in the corner of the room furthest from the console.

“That could have come at neither a better nor worse time,” the Nobody murmured to herself as she began to skim through the intelligence report.

After another extended lull, Gremlin raised her head up from her fabric cocoon. “What is it, Xer?”

“It appears to be incontrovertible proof of the existence of the Ironic Overpower. I shall fetch the Teen Titans DVDs and a crash dummy.” She glanced back down at the console screen. “And possibly a bottle of aspirin as well.”

Gremlin groaned as she sunk back into her nest of blankets.

* * *

A/n: im proud of this one because i started it at 4:00am and endedd it at 6am. It is a Red-X Rae fic

“I would not consider that an achievement in which to take pride,” Xericka commented while leaning against a nondescript sink. She and Gremlin had teleported into the bathroom of a Generic apartment. “Unless one is participating in some sort of timed literary contest or working against a deadline, general quality should take preference over speed.”

There was no response. Xericka glanced over at Gremlin, who was at the moment lying down in the bathtub with a towel draped over her face. She was wearing the same rumpled garments she had woken up in. The blankets, thankfully, had been left behind in the RC.

“Feeling any better?” Xericka asked.

“Meh,” Gremlin replied, her voice muffled by the towel. “Probably would be feeling a bit better if, you know, we weren’t doing a songfic right now. I’d also be feeling better if you hadn’t taken my flask away.”

“Imbibing Bleepka at this point in time would probably not be overly beneficial regarding your condition. You need something that will not dehydrate you. I gave you a thermos of juice before we left. Drink that instead.”

“Does the juice have booze in it?”


Gremlin sighed. “You are so unfun sometimes.”

“I am aware of that.” Xericka’s eyes went out of focus as she examined the Words. “Red X has just arrived home to find the Dummy!Raven waiting for him. She is apparently only wearing one of his shirts and her underwear.”

There was a grumbling from the bathtub. “Why couldn’t it have been the real Raven in her underwear?”

“…You amaze me sometimes.”

He pulls his camera out of the bag, his eyes searching my body. His camera is one of those old ones, the one where the picture comes out when you snap it.

Gremlin removed the towel from her face. “Do they even make film for those things anymore?” she asked as she picked up the thermos lying next to her in the tub.

“I am not exactly sure.” Xericka raised her arm and tapped a spot on her wrist. Immediately, the orange holographic interface of her omni-tool appeared. She entered a few keywords into it and began reading through the results. “Ah, here we are. There are currently two companies that still create instant film. There will be no charge.”

“Huh. Okay.” Gremlin started to unscrew the top of her thermos, but paused halfway through. “Is Red X wearing his costume?”

“No. In fact,” Xericka said with a frown, “apart from their names, there is very little that would indicate the canonical nature of these individuals. I still find that aspect of fanfiction somewhat bewildering. Why bother to use pre-existing characters if their original nature is not in some way kept intact?”

“For reader appeal, duh.” Gremlin propped herself up on one elbow and took a swig of juice. “You’ve got to put a lot of work into OCs to make them audience-worthy, or at least wank-worthy when you’re talking about Bad Slash. With pre-existing characters, though? All you really need are a few familiar names, the occasional nod to canon, and a few copy-pasted chapters out of The Joy of Sex. Mix it all together and BOOM!” She winced and clutched at her head. “Instant audience.”

Xericka sat down on the floor with her back leaning against the door. “That I understand,” she remarked. “But there are almost no, as you put it, nods to the canon in this case. I recall several of our more blatantly pornographic missions possessing far more moments of canon than this. This story might have actually been improved had the author used original names instead of Teen Titans characters.” She paused. “Oh, and were it not almost entirely copy-pasted Mariah Carey lyrics.”

Gremlin shrugged. “Maybe you ask someone who actually writes this stuff. Throw a stone in HQ, you’re bound to hit a former badfic author somewhere. Or maybe you could take a little visit to one of the OFUs.”

“The OFUs? Dear nothingness, no. Can you image what would happen were I to go to such a place?” Her voice took on a mocking tone. “Oh em gee, a real Nobody! You are sooooo cute! Can you feel love? What do you wear under your coat? Have you met Axel? Axel is so hawt!” She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. “I would rather douse myself in steak sauce and charge headlong at a dragon.”

“That’d be a sight to see. I might even pay money for it.” Gremlin took another pull from the thermos. “What do you wear under your coat, anyway?”

Xericka gave her partner a look. “Clothes.”

“Hey, you brought it up! I’m just curiouUUAAGH!” Gremlin clutched at both sides of her head as the sound of Mariah Carey’s ‘Touch My Body’ split the air. “Loud!” she said through gritted teeth. “Too loud!”

Xericka quickly held up her hand and concentrated. A pair of Glopsnerch headphones materialized between her fingers in a flash of darkness. She then slid herself across the floor over to the side of the bathtub, where Gremlin was curled up in the fetal position. “These might help,” Xericka said, holding out the headphones.

“Give give give!” Gremlin snatched up the headphones and rammed them over her ears. Her eyes rolled back into her head as she unclenched. “Oooohmygod. So much better. Why didn’t you give these things to me when we ported in?”

“Because then you would not have been able to hear me,” Xericka responded.

“What? I can’t hear you!”

Xericka sighed and patted her partner on the forehead. In the other room, the Dummy!Raven and the out of character Red X were playing around with the camera in time with the music. The Dummy!Raven was actually starting to sing along in between the little pecks she was giving Red X.

"'Cause if you run your mouth and brag, About these secret rendezvous…" I start again, fanning the picture until it becomes clear.

Xericka shook her head as she followed along with the lyrics. It was hardly the most compelling poetry mankind had ever produced. ‘Cause they be all up in my bidness, like a Wendy interview’… Ridiculous. It made the badfic look good in comparison. The next time that she and Gremlin were assigned a songfic mission, she would have to remember to bring her MP3 player along.

She glanced over at Gremlin. It was difficult to say whether the metahuman was reading the Words with her eyes closed, or had merely fallen asleep. There was no point in asking which the case was; doing so would only aggravate her headache. It was disappointing, really. Xericka found her conversations with Gremlin to be quite illuminating, if sometimes disturbing. The only things she could listen to now were the Words and the music, neither of which were particularly interesting.

The sound of running footsteps could be heard through the bathroom door. Dummy!Raven and Red X were on their way to the bedroom for some more dry, repetitive flirting.

He quickly appears behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. He picks me up off of my feet and spins around a bit, before throwing me onto the bed. I lay on my back and he takes off his shirt and throws it to the ground.

It was getting to the point where Xericka was actually starting to long for something graphic. Anything would be preferable to banality. At least it would not last for too much longer.

The Nobody reached into the bathtub and retrieved the thermos of juice. Gremlin did not appear to notice. She took a sip as more footsteps passed the door, this time heading back towards the living room.

Xericka put the cap back on the thermos before poking Gremlin in the shoulder. The metahuman opened one eye and, with every sign of reluctance, pulled the headphones away from her ears.

“It is time,” Xericka said. “We should get moving as soon as possible.”

Gremlin let out a little groan. “I don’t suppose you’d be willing to go exorcise them yourself and leave me here in peace.”


“Didn’t think so.” Gremlin held out her arms. “Help me up. You’re going to have to do the chanting, though. I’m afraid that if I try to yell that my head might implode.”

Xericka took her partner by the hand and pulled her to her feet. “That is fair. Would you prefer to take Dummy!Raven or Red X? Neither appears to have retained their fighting skills.”

“I’ll take the dummy. You really think exorcism will work on it?”

With a wave of her hands, Xericka summoned two Teen Titans DVDs out of the ether. She handed one to Gremlin and nodded. “I have no reason to believe otherwise. If exorcism could not be performed, then we would not have been sent the mission. It would have been passed on to the Mary Sue Division.”

“Makes sense to me.” Gremlin gave the DVD case a practice swing. “All right, I’m ready.”

“Good. They should be passing past the door one last time… Now!”

Xericka flung open the bathroom door. Standing in the hall was a barely clad Red X, with Dummy!Raven carried bridal-style in his arms. Both had looks of extreme surprise and confusion on their faces.

The two agents set upon them with all due speed. “I cast you out, repetitiveness!” Xericka shouted as she pummeled Red X. “ I cast you out, tedium! I order you gone from this place, copy-pasted song lyrics! By the names of the creators – Wolfman! Pérez! Murakami! – I banish you from this character and this crash dummy!”

There was a cacophonous wail as the author wraith evaporated off of the two battered figures. As the spirit vanished, the dummy folded back up into a cube. The walls of the Generic Apartment melted away and were replaced by the stylistic buildings of Jump City. Even Red X changed, his nondescript good looks quickly replaced by his full-body costume.

“Gremlin. Sunglasses,” Xericka said. She then flashed Red X with her neuralyzer before he could collect his thoughts long enough to attack or flee. “Red X, you are not in a relationship with Raven, nor did you just sexually harass a crash test dummy. Return to your hideout and…” She paused. Red X had never really been fleshed out in the cartoon. “…And do whatever it is you do.”

After a few moments, Red X snapped out of his stupor. He shot the two girls standing in front of him a casual leer and a salute before phasing away into the night.

“So that’s it, then?” Gremlin asked. She was swaying slightly. The brief struggle had not been good for her disposition. “We can go home now?”

“Indeed,” Xericka remarked as she opened up a portal. “The mission is complete.” She took her partner by the shoulders and guided her back into the RC.

“Thank the Maker. I feel like I’m gonna break into a million pieces.”

“You should go into the bunkroom and lie down. I shall take care of the mission report.”

Gremlin shot Xericka a weak smile. “You sure you don’t wanna join me? I heard somewhere that snuggling is good for headaches.”

Xericka sighed as she pushed Gremlin towards the open bunkroom door. “Go,” she said.

“You know where to find me if you change your mind!”

Once Gremlin had staggered back into the bunkroom and closed the door behind her, Xericka spun on her heel and marched over to the console. “Recent events have led me to believe that you possess some small amount of intelligence,” she said, apparently to the console. “Responding to Gremlin’s and my comments with appropriate musical stings and so on. How this happened I do not know and, frankly, do not care. If this is the case, however, then I feel I must tell you something.”

The Nobody gestured over her shoulder towards the bunkroom. “As you probably have ascertained by now, my partner has acquired a temporary sensitivity to sound. I wish to see her once again in good health. So, I would request that you remain completely silent until she recovers.”

She leaned over so that her face was only a few inches away from the surface of the console. “If you fail to heed my warning,” she said, her voice flat and impassive, “then I shall be forced to teleport you into the Corridors of Darkness.” She ran her hand over the console in a sort of caress. “I honestly have no idea what effect the Darkness will have on a console. Perhaps there will be no effect. On the other hand, perhaps you have developed a heart in addition to your sentience. Perhaps I shall witness the creation of the first Heartless Console! Would that not be interesting?”

A few lights blinked on the console, then a few more. Then, with a very quiet click, the console turned itself off.

“I appreciate your willingness to cooperate,” Xericka said as she walked away towards her desk. “I hope that we shall continue to work together well in the future.”
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October 2016

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