vgdivision: (logic fail)
[personal profile] vgdivision
(Disclaimer: The original concept of the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. “Mother Knows Best” (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5587344/1/mother_knows_best) was originally written by sinthehedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog and all associated properties belong to Sonic Team. “Mrs. Robinson” was written by Paul Simon. Xericka and Gremlin belong to me. The following contains explicit language, explicit imagery, bad biology, and bad touching.)

FOOM

Xericka unclasped her hands from her ears. An uncomfortable silence had fallen upon her and Gremlin’s RC. There were no sounds coming from the main room, not even Gremlin’s usual post-explosion cries of how what had happened was her bad and she could totally fix it.

“Oh no,” the Nobody said, her voice an even mixture of concern and exasperation. She groped underneath her bunk and pulled out a small case affixed with the Red Cross. After giving the contents a cursory inspection, she strode into the other room.

It wasn’t as bad as she thought it was going to be. Gremlin was not smeared across the walls, nor was anything tremendously important broken. The couch they’d picked up after their first mission together had a few smoldering patches on it, but it was still in one piece.

“Gremlin?” Xericka called out. “Gremlin! I shall be very perturbed if the Flowers hold me responsible for your death!”

“Down here,” came a weak response.

Xericka looked down to see Gremlin sprawled upon the floor. Her face was blackened with soot and bore a slightly dazed grin. There was an empty bottle of bleeprin still clutched in one hand.

“Gremlin, this stops now.” The blue-haired girl reached down and pulled the recumbent Slasher to her feet. “There will be no more experiments.”

“I almost had it that time…” Gremlin mumbled, still on her trip to Slight Concussion Land. “The mixture was just a little too strong.”

Xericka glanced upward, where a smoking spoon was embedded in the ceiling. “I see.”

“I’ll get it right next time.”

“You are stopping now, before you end up killing yourself. The creation of new alcohol-bleeprin hybrids should be left to those agents who know what they are doing.”

Gremlin slumped as the euphoria of brain damage started to wear off. “I suppose you’re right,” she said. “I could’ve sworn I was on to something.”

“You were, if you consider a new type of explosive something. Now go extinguish the couch.”

QUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

“It appears that the DoSAT agent who stopped by before was unable to repair your little amendment to the console,” Xericka remarked as she tapped one of the buttons.

“You shoulda seen the security systems for this one Gotham tech company I did over a few months ago. They're probably still trying to put everything back together!” Gremlin patted out the last few embers on the loveseat before joining her partner by the console. “What’s the lowdown?”

“It is in the Sonic the Hedgehog universe, with Vanilla and Tails as the selected pairing.” Xericka looked at the confusion on her partner's face and sighed. “The mother of Cream the rabbit. She has not garnered many appearances within canonical Sonic products.”

“Ah. And she’s paired with Tails, who’s eight.” Gremlin paused to wipe some of the soot off of her face. “Damnit. Kinda wish I hadn’t used all my bleeprin products up now.”

“I thought this eventuality might occur, which is why I took the initiative in refilling your emergency flask with bleepka and orange juice.” Xericka reached into her coat and pulled out her partner’s hipflask. “You forgot to fill it after your second experiment.”

“Thanks.” The black-haired metahuman pocketed the flask. “I owe you.”

“I shall remember that.”

* * *


The two agents stepped from the portal into a small clearing in the middle of a forest. There was a house in the middle of it, nestled between two apple trees. Xericka gave the trees a critical once-over, perhaps in case they decided to join in on the perverted OOC events that were about to take place.

“Something smells good,” Gremlin remarked.

“Cookies,” the Nobody replied. “Vanilla has apparently been baking.”

“Man, Cream is lucky to have a mom this traditionally nice. The only cookies I ever got when I was a kid were Oreos.”

Tails emerged from the tree line and approached the front door. He took a deep breath before knocking.

The door opened and Vanilla stood in the doorway with a cheerful smile on her face.

"Oh, why Miles! It's so good to see you again," Vanilla said, giving the fox a small hug.


As much as Tails enjoyed hugs, this one seemed to cause his groin to become...hard.


“Why does Tails becoming aroused merit the use of an ellipsis?” Xericka asked.

“His boner is very dramatic.” Gremlin threw one arm into the sky in the manner of all stereotypical overactors. “He became… HARD. Dun dun DUN!”

“Stop that.”

Vanilla escorted Tails inside. Gremlin and Xericka crept over to an open windowsill, where a tray of cookies was cooling in the breeze. The black-haired agent’s face fell when she saw the contents of the tray.

“Generic cookies?” she said. “Damnit, I was hoping for snickerdoodles.”

“I would have preferred something with white chocolate chips, but that is getting away from our primary intention here,” Xericka said. She and Gremlin ducked as Vanilla carried the tray away.

Sally and Bunny had always told Tails to mind his manners around other people, but his love for Vanilla's cookies was so strong he couldn't help but help himself to half a dozen.

“Tails eat cookie! OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!”

Xericka grimaced. “The amount of cookies that Tails has consumed combined with the physical activity he is about to undertake should result in his becoming violently ill,” she said. “He will not, of course. The conditions imposed by reality never stand up in the face of random sexual intercourse.”

Gremlin gave her partner a nasty grin. “You know what’s worse than throwing up during sex?” she said.

“I can think of several things, but I shall humor you in this matter.”

“Knowing that someone somewhere is turned on by the thought of throwing up during sex.”

The Nobody stared at her partner for a moment. “You should be very grateful that killing you would be too much of an inconvenience for me,” she eventually managed to say.

“Oh, I am.”

"Well, something happened to me when she kissed me," he resumed. Tails could feel Vanilla's eyes upon him and he immediately felt nauseous.

“My goodness. I wonder why,” Xericka remarked.

“And now Vanilla is giving Tails ‘the talk!’ ” Gremlin shook her head as the rabbit mumbled and stuttered her way through the birds and the bees. “Really, she’s the best choice to tell the kid about sex, given that she’s a rabbit and all.”

The Nobody raised an eyebrow. “That admittedly does make sense. However, interpreting the scene in such a way would in all likelihood be giving the author-wraith too much credit. This is a May-December furry sex romp and nothing more.”

Vanilla led Tails into the bedroom for a more hands-on demonstration. Once the two figures were gone, Gremlin grabbed the windowsill and deftly pulled herself into the kitchen. “Nice digs,” the Slasher commented as she sidled over to the leftover cookies.

Xericka climbed into the kitchen a moment later. Well, not so much ‘climbed’ as ‘fell face first into the room because her coat got caught in the window.’ “I would be most grateful if you would stop snickering and help me up,” she said from her new prone position.

Gremlin pulled the Nobody to her feet. “See, that’s why I dress light. You gotta minimize loose fabric if you want to sneak right.” She smiled and popped one of the Generic Cookies into her mouth. “Mm! These ain’t half bad! You want one?”

“No thank you. I do not trust generic foodstuffs.” Xericka crossed over to the bedroom and peered through the keyhole. “It appears that Vanilla is stripping for young Tails.”

“And here’s to you, Mrs. Vanilla,” Gremlin tried to sing through a mouthful of cookie. Crumbs flew from her mouth. “The fanboys love you more than will know!”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” her partner deadpanned.

The rabbit turned around, giving Tails an eyeful of her beautiful breasts; they were like two full water balloons that bounced at the slightest movement.

Gremlin coughed in surprise. Xericka blinked. There was something damp and unpleasant now stuck to the back of her head. If she had to hazard a guess, she would say it was a half-chewed Generic Cookie.

“Sorry,” Gremlin said. “That last line just threw me off a little. I mean, talk about funbags. Water balloons? Seriously?”

The Nobody said nothing as carefully pulled what was left of Gremlin’s snack out of her hair and tossed it aside. Not a muscle moved on her face.

“You missed a little bit,” her partner went on. “Right there.”

“Thank you Gremlin.” Xericka’s tone would have made a penguin shiver. “Anyway, we may now assume that Vanilla is a Replacement Sue. The real Vanilla’s chest is hardly up to the standards of full water balloons.”

“A Sue?” Gremlin looked ill. “Oh nasty! I ate Sue cookies!” She pulled her flask out of her jacket and took a long pull from it.

“That is why you should always bring something to eat when you go on a mission rather than mindlessly devour whatever you find in the badfic.” Xericka did not turn her gaze away from the keyhole. Inside the other room, Vanilla was giving Tails a hands-on course in self-pleasure.

Gremlin gargled with the bleepka-orange juice mix before spitting it off to the side. “Ugh. I thought those things were a bit too sweet.” She repeated the gargle and spit process once more before pocketing the flask. “Anyway, the Sue. You got any weapons?”

Xericka shifted the hem of her coat, revealing a nightstick holstered on her calf. “Are you carrying anything that could be of use?”

“Got some brass knuckles. Nothing immediately lethal.”

“It is just as well. Disposing of the Sue here would in all probability result in a lengthy cleanup.”

“Cleaning up Sue blood ain’t exactly how I want to spend my free time.” Gremlin glanced at the door. Moaning noises could now be heard through the wood. “How much longer do you think it’ll last?”

Xericka peered back through the keyhole. “They are moving on to Vanilla’s final quote-unquote lesson.”

“Damn. Tails must be gifted beyond belief to keep going this long, especially considering this is his first time.”

The fox began to rub the fur above his member, moaning as he did so. Vanilla wasn't sure what he was doing, but after awhile she gasped as she saw what he wanted her to see; Tails had a second penis, directly above the other one.

During the silence that followed this revelation, a small and unfazed part of Xericka’s mind reflected that it was a very good thing Gremlin was not eating anything at the moment. “So then.” She struggled to get the proper words out. “Two replacements. That will complicate matters.”

“No goddamn duh.” Gremlin paused, and then gave her partner a nudge. “You’re taking this pretty well. I thought you’d be having conniptions over the sheer amount of bad biology that last sentence had.”

“Yes. Please give me your flask.”

Gremlin wordlessly handed her partner the half-full container. “Any thoughts on how we’re getting rid of these two deformed fakes?”

There was no response from Xericka, as she was too busy draining every drop of memory-obliterating liquid from the flask. After tapping the bottom just to make sure, she handed it back to Gremlin. “I have something in mind that might work, but it is… somewhat annoying.”

“Hey, whatever works is fine by me.” Gremlin pulled the brass knuckles out of her jacket and slipped them on. “Do you want the fox or the rabbit?”

“The fox. The memory of his unrealistic biology has not yet left my mind. Pummeling him senseless may help ease my tension.” She held up her hand and concentrated. After a few seconds, a swirling portal of pure darkness opened up in front of the two agents. “This will take us past the locked door. Take my hand and do not let go. The Corridors of Darkness are somewhat hazardous.”

“Oh what fun,” Gremlin muttered as she grabbed Xericka’s hand. The two Slashers stepped into the darkness—

—and emerged shortly afterwards inside Vanilla!Sue’s bedroom. Fortunately, the two replacements were too preoccupied to notice both a dark portal and the appearance of two armed and angry girls.

Tails!Stu caught a truncheon to the temple mid-thrust and toppled over like a rotten tree. Xericka followed up her initial blow with a series of strikes to the unconscious fox’s rib cage.

Vanilla!Sue looked over her shoulder to see what the ruckus was just in time to catch Gremlin’s fist in her face. A blow to the kidneys robbed her of any ability to scream. She attempted to crawl away, but one metal-wrapped fist to the back of the head dropped her to the floor.

Gremlin struck a pose over the fallen rabbit!Sue. “A little treat for you,” she gloated. “Courtesy of Gotham City.” She glanced over at her partner. “I think you got him, Xerry. Disposing of him ain’t gonna be any fun if he’s already dead.”

Xericka lowered her truncheon. “True.”

“Damn, you weren’t kidding about that darkness thing.” The dark-haired teen shuddered. “It felt like I was walking through a melting block of ice.”

“An unusual metaphor, but fairly apt.” Xericka reached into her coat and pulled out the remote activator. “Bring the false Vanilla over here. I am opening up the portal to the Robotnik Express.”

“The what?” Gremlin asked as she dragged Vanilla!Sue across the floor by her ankles. Through the portal that Xericka had just brought up, the sounds of a train could be heard.

“A train laden with explosives and lacking any sort of brakes. It is currently on its way towards Robotnik’s Emporium of Devastation, Destruction, and Demolition.” The Nobody looked away from the portal into Gremlin’s bewildered face. “It is from the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon series.”

Recognition dawned on the human agent’s face. “So that’s what you meant when you said it was an annoying solution.”

“Indeed.”

* * *


The two replacements awoke to find themselves bound and gagged inside a pastel-colored train car. The air had the faint aroma of gunpowder and oil.

Xericka looked up from the remote activator when the muted cries of her prisoners reached her ears. “Ah. You are awake. Excellent.” She paused for a moment to collect her thoughts. “Vanilla and Tails, also known as Vanilla!Sue and Tails!Stu, you are charged with the following crimes.”

Tails!Stu attempted to clamber to his feet to charge the Nobody, but was stopped by Gremlin kicking him right in the doubles. “Siddown and listen, freaks of nature!” she exclaimed cheerfully.

“To whit,” Xericka continued. “You are charged with replacing canonical characters, namely Miles ‘Tails’ Prower and Madam Vanilla the rabbit; with exceptionally poor biology, including the manifestation of a second penis and the lack of a male refractory period; with no lubricant during penetrative sex; and for disturbing sworn agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. The sentence is death. Gremlin, let us retreat to a safe distance before this train reaches its final destination.”

“Sounds good to me!” Gremlin said as her partner opened up a portal.

They both stepped through to a rather plain hillside, leaving the struggling replacements behind them. In the distance they could see Robotnik’s Emporium of Devastation, Destruction, and Demolition.

“You’re sure this’ll kill them, right?” Gremlin asked. The train was now in sight and making its final approach towards the building. “It doesn’t kill Robotnik or his two goons.”

“I am certain,” Xericka replied. “Robotnik, Scratch, and Grounder are all canonical, and so cannot be killed within this universe until canon demands that they do so. The replacements are not canonical.”

Eight seconds later, the Emporium exploded in a pyrotechnic display worthy of any psychotic army commander with his finger on the doomsday switch. Xericka smiled as Gremlin oohed and aahed.

After about a minute of basking in the glow of burning Sue, Xericka opened up a portal back to Vanilla’s house. “Now that the replacements have been removed, we must locate the two canonical characters.”

“Any idea where they might be?” Gremlin asked as they stepped back into Vanilla’s kitchen.

“Where who are?” a new voice asked.

The two agents looked around. A young rabbit was standing behind them, nibbling on one of the Generic Cookies. A blue and yellow chao with a red bow tie hovered around her head.

“Ah,” Xericka said as her mind went into a frantic overdrive. “You must be Cream.”

Cream swallowed another bite of cookie. “Who are you? How do you know me?”

The Nobody hesitated. One of her hands began to inch towards the neuralyzer tucked into her coat.

“We’re friends of your mother,” Gremlin quickly replied. She ignored the look that Xericka shot her. “We’re, ah… playing Hide and Seek with her and Tails. Yeah.”

“Oh.” Cream looked up towards the ceiling in thought. “I think I might know where they’re hiding,” she said.

The Slashers exchanged a glance. “Can you take us to them?” Gremlin said.

“What’s the magic word?”

“…Please?”

Cream smiled. “Okay! Follow me!”

Xericka and Gremlin trailed along behind the rabbit and the chao as they left the house and walked through the woods. Eventually, they came to a hollowed-out tree on the edge of a meadow.

“This’s where Tails found Cheese the other day,” Cream said. “He and mom should be in there.”

The blue-haired agent peered into the tree. “There is definitely a plot hole within this tree,” she said. “Gremlin, I may need your help in pulling them out.” She reached inside as Gremlin took hold of her around the waist. “If you can hear me, take my hand! I shall extricate you forthwith!”

The two agents strained. After a moment’s effort, there was a flash of light and they both fell over backwards. Vanilla and Tails collapsed on top of them.

“My goodness,” Vanilla said wearily. “What just happened? I remember being at home before this odd light showed up…”

“I shall explain it to you, madam, once you get off of me,” came a muffled voice from underneath the rabbit.

Several apologies and limb untanglings later, everyone was standing up again. “I sense you are all confused,” Xericka said over the hubbub of three anthropomorphic animals asking questions. She reached into her coat and pulled out the neuralyzer. “Fortunately, this will set everything right.”

* * *


“Well that was fun,” Gremlin remarked as the portal closed up behind her. The two agents were back in their explosion-blackened RC.

“Indeed.” Xericka nudged a bit of debris out of her path with her foot before walking towards the exit. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to the PPC Bleepka Bar. There are still memories of a biologically inaccurate fox that still need expunging from my mind.”

“Sounds like good times. Count me in!”

Xericka held up a hand to stop her partner. “You should remain here and clean up this mess. It was, after all, created by you.”

“Oh, come on!” Gremlin smiled in a 'I have a cunning plan, milord' sort of way. “I’ll pay for your drinks!”

“…Very well. We have a deal.”

Gremlin swung herself over the console to join her partner at the door. “It’s not like the mess is going anywhere, anyway,” she said, forgetting for a moment what happens to agents who make such blithe declarations.

SCREEEEEEEEEECH

Xericka facepalmed. “From the sound of it,” she muttered, “neither are we.”
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