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(Disclaimer: The concept of the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia. “Love a nobody?” ( belongs to Dark-Sakura101, who is welcome to it. Kingdom Hearts and its characters belong to Square Enix and Disney Interactive. Danny Richardson and Laura Dukes belong to me. The following story contains violence, some bad language, and some suggestive imagery.)


Danny clasped his hands over his ears as the two interns winced and ran for cover. Laura just grinned as she ran over to the wailing console. A few button presses killed the incessant beeping.

The blond agent gave a sigh of relief as the noise ceased. “Is that a mission?” he said as he shook his head in an effort to make the ringing in his ears go away.

“No, it’s a report on your bookshelves,” Laura said. “Of course it’s a damn mission!” She scanned the intelligence report. “It’s Kingdom Hearts. A Org XIII fic.”

“That game always seemed a bit weird to me.” Danny said. “I mean, fighting the powers of darkness alongside Donald Duck, Goofy, Squall Leonheart, and other various characters? That’s pretty out there.”

“I thought so too, but then I actually played it,” Laura said as she continued to skim through the Words. “It all worked, in some odd way.” She sighed and mashed a few more buttons on the console. “Looks like we got multiple Sues plus almost the entire Organization being out of character.”


“Yep!” Laura reached into one of the boxes that the interns had left behind and pulled out a thin dagger. She made a practice swipe in the air with it. “I’d run down to the armory and get a weapon if I were you,” she said. “Something sturdy. We got a lot of work ahead of us.”

* * *

Somewhere inside The Castle That Never Was, a portal opened up and two individuals wearing Organization XIII cloaks stepped through. The smaller figure hit a few buttons on the device in its hand, closing the portal behind it.

“Are you sure this is going to work?” Danny said as he pushed back his hood. He readjusted the broadsword on his back so that it wasn’t poking him in the back.

“It’ll be fine, Dann-O,” Laura said. “As long as we keep our hoods up we can get away with pretending to be one of the Org members the story doesn’t mention. It was either this or we go in as generic Nobodies, and they can’t talk. Maybe you want to exchange notes the entire time we’re here.” She grabbed his hood and pulled it back over his face. “If you get in a bind, just start flashin’ your neuralyzer around.”

“I bow in the face of your strategic abilities. And don’t call me Dann-O.”

Laura smirked at the other assassin before leaning around the hallway corner. There were several Organization members in the other room. “They’re talking about new arrivals,” she said. “Not much else. Looks like they’re all going to—”

There was a sudden brief moment of intense confusion. Laura suddenly found herself unable to move or speak, looking out someone else’s eyes.

Axel's pov
Finally more women will be joining then just the blonde-bitch of tampons…but that also means more tampons in Castle Oblivion, which means more periods, PMS, and more pissy bitches falling to the ground writhing in pain! Ah God help me!!! However, What if their not horrible blonde monsters whose hair looks like creepy bug antennas!

Laura only had a brief moment to boggle at what had just passed through the mind of the body she’d been forced into before the POV shifted again, this time to Demyx.

Yay more friends to listen to my sitar. In addition, to play video games, inless they are girly and are into makeup and stupid dolls!

She opened her eyes – yes, definitely my eyes this time, definitely my body, she thought – to see Danny kneeling over her, frantically checking her pulse. “Laura!” he said. “Christ, are you okay! What happened?”

She slapped his hand away from her neck. “I’m fine!” the redhead snapped.

Danny grabbed her arm and helped her back to her feet. “What was that?” he asked. “You were talking to me and suddenly I – we – were inside someone else’s head!”

“It was just a random POV change.” Laura shook her head in an effort to clear out some of the cobwebs. “Oh man, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten those hot dogs before I started the mission.” She took a deep breath. “You’ve got the charge list ready?” she asked.

Danny reached into one of the cloak’s pockets and pulled out a notepad. Laura sniggered. “What?” Danny asked.

“This is the twenty-first century, you know,” she said. “Computers are portable now.”

“I’m a bit of Luddite,” said Danny. “I don’t use electronics where pen and paper will do.”

Laura shrugged. “Whatever,” she said. “Charge ‘em with making Organization members out of character, not understanding how periods work, abusing punctuation, and causing physical harm to a PPC agent.”

“Got it.”

“I’m not waiting all night to get to the next bit of action,” Laura said. She pressed a few buttons on the Remote Activator, opening up another portal. “Let’s go watch the Organization have breakfast.”

* * *

Riku is the first to wake

“Bullshit!” Laura cursed. “Riku was never a member of the Organization. Give me the CAD.” Danny passed her the device, which she pointed at the silver-haired teen.

[Riku. Human male. Canon. 63.9% OOC.]

Laura handed the CAD back to Danny, who stowed it in another cloak pocket. “I’ll add it to the list,” he said as he pulled out his notepad again.

he looks through all the cupboards and spots a box of Biscuit Quik mix!!

“Bisquick,” Danny repeated. “Here?” He gestured to the walls of The Castle That Never Was.

“Another charge,” Laura said. She watched as the rest of the organization came downstairs. “You know, most of these guys really should be out on missions or something. You know, that whole “collecting hearts” thing?” She consulted the Words.

“All right, we’re skipping ahead,” she continued. “As much as I’d love to see these guys eat biscuits and insult each other behind their backs, I’ve got better ways to burn time.” She opened another portal. “Twilight Town, here we come.”

The agents emerged on top of one of the buildings in Tram Commons. They looked down to see Xigbar and Xaldin standing by the hole in the city wall. Danny suddenly jumped as one of his cloak pockets began beeping. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the shrieking CAD.

[Xigbar. Male Nobody. Cannoncancan canonical. 73.2% OOC]

[Xaldin. Malemilmale Nobody. Cannonninenaonical. 86.8% OOCOC]

“Dammit, shut that thing off!” Laura hissed.

After a moment’s hesitation, Danny smacked the CAD against the roof on which they were standing. The beeping stopped and the readout returned to normal.

“Thanks, Fonzie,” Laura said. “If that thing ends up breaking before the end of the mission, it’s now officially your fault.” She looked over the edge of the roof at the Nobodies, who gave no indication that they heard the malfunctioning CAD. “They don’t seem that out of character.”

“Well, they’re not doing anything at the moment,” Danny said. Laura rolled her eyes.

“Hey, are you our escorts?”

Laura looked over the edge of the roof again as Danny sucked on his singed fingers. “Danny!” she whispered. “Get over here. The Sues are coming.” Danny crept over to Laura’s location and took a glimpse for himself.

The oldest to his guess had faded ocean colored hair, the middle child he assumed had crimson hair, almost as if it had been drenched and colored that way from blood the youngest, had faded pink with a hint of purple high-lights. They were simply…weird to him, nonetheless they were the new ones!

Danny shuddered. “I know Kingdom Hearts has an anime-influenced design, but… no,” he said. “Those are not colors pleasing to the human eye.”

Laura watched as the youngest girl, the one with pink hair, mouthed off to Xaldin. “How is she not getting dope-slapped right now?” she said. “If some kid was acting that way to me, I’d give her a good whack upside the head. Xaldin is not nearly as forgiving as I am. She should be skewered on six spears by now.” She sighed as one of the other girls hushed the pink-haired one.

“How very motherly of you,” Danny said.

The girls introduced themselves. The young mouthy one with pink and purple hair was Freyax, the one who shushed her was Freanix, and the last girl was Frixie.

Laura squinted at the girls. “Is it just me, or are Freanix and Frixie switching hair colors?” she asked.

Danny watched as the girls alternated between crimson red and sea blue. “They weren’t properly distinguished,” he said. “The Words never said if Freanix or Frixie are older.”

The two agents jerked as the scene shifted back to The World That Never Was. As Danny and Laura regained their footing, they could hear the three girls making little ‘ooh’ noises.

Xaldin and Xigbar chuckle at the girl's surprised faces and continue to lead them to Castle Oblivion.

“What?” Laura almost shouted. “Castle Oblivion?! Castle freaking Oblivion is not at The World That Never Was! It has its own separate realm and was never used after the defeat of Marluxia in Chain of Memories! Why don’t—”

Her ranting was cut off by Danny’s hand over her mouth. “Quiet! Quiet!” he whispered into her ear as she struggled against his grasp. “I can appreciate your passion on the subject, but if you keep shouting we’ll be noticed for sure! Save your anger for when we take out the Sues!”

Laura went limp in his arms. “You okay now?” Danny asked. She nodded. “Good.” He let her go.

Laura readjusted the hang of her coat. “Lousy canon breaches,” she said. “I just hate when that happens. I mean, a little research wouldn’t kill you, you know! GrrrAAAH!” She punched Danny in the shoulder. “Sorry again. I was angry and you were in range.”

“Hey, no big.” Danny said as he rubbed his arm. “You can’t hit very hard anyway. Mission! Focus on the mission!” he said as Laura raised her fist to punch him again.

The two looked through the open gate of what was now Castle Oblivion to see Xaldin call for Axel, Demyx, and Roxas. Axel was the first to arrive.

Xaldin begins talking "The reason I called you down blah blah blah….that's all it was as Axel's eyes wandered to Freyax instant want flooded his emerald eyes and disgust entered her silvery-teal ones.

“They’re not… oh, gross.”

“I know. The structure of that sentence is atrocious. Plus, silvery-teal? Is that color combination even possible?”

Laura looked over at Danny. “Your priorities are really screwed up,” she said. “Look. Axel’s probably in his twenties. Freyax is a teenager. Do I have to draw you a diagram?”

“Oh.” Danny paused. “So that’s a charge of making Axel lust after teenage girls?”

“Yes!” She turned her attention back to the scene and groaned as Demyx fell down the stairs. “Add another charge of making Demyx an idiot.”

“I thought he was an idiot.”

“He’s cowardly and easy-going. That doesn’t make him an idiot!”

“Got it.” Danny jotted down the charge on his notepad as Laura watched Demyx fruitlessly flirt with Freanix.

"Don't be falling asleep now Axel, I still need you to escort Freyax to her room, and you, Demyx escort Freanix to her quarters, Now, Where's Roxas?" Xaldin quickly said, eager to get somewhere. Axel replies, "He's at the pool with Riku, ROXAS!!!!!"

“Adding culturally inappropriate rooms to a castle…” Danny said to himself as he wrote on his notepad.

Laura’s eyes grew wide when Roxas appeared dripping wet and wearing swim trunks. “Wow,” she said. “I never pictured Roxas as the fan service type.”

“He’s fifteen.”

“Aaaaaand that’s the end of that thought. Thank you, Danny.”

“Glad to help.”

Axel grabs Freyax by the arm and power walks to get away from the group as fast as he could.

“I’m not liking where this is going,” Danny said. He ran after Laura, who was quickly marching after the two Nobodies. They caught up with them in a corridor not too far away.

"So Freyax, how did you become a nobody?" He knew he was going to get a little info on her so he knew how to mess with her. "None of your business pervert!" she said yanking her arm out of his grasp. "Feisty one, aren't you!" Axel said happily as a smile creeped its way across his face.

Danny took the CAD out of his cloak pocket and gave Axel a cursory scan. “59 percent out of character,” he said. He frowned and tapped the CAD’s readout. “That seems low. Maybe I did break this thing. And it’s ‘crept,’ by the way,” he added in a quiet tone.

“No, the ‘feisty’ line could have been something he actually said if he were in character,” said Laura. “He’s a bit of a dick.” She rolled her eyes as Freyax began to cry. “Here we go. Sad backstory time.”

"SHUT UP!, You don't care for me at all so why should I tell you, plus you're a jerk who just wants to get in my pants and drop me off for some other girl!

“I’m getting uncomfortable about the repeated use of ‘girl’ as a sexual object,” Danny said.

Well you know what that's not gonna happen, and hell its gonna stay that way!" She screamed at Axel expecting him to know how she felt. "I wanted to be forgotten after what we did. That's why we became nobodies…

“Nobodies don’t frigging work that way!” Laura clenched her fists. “You don’t choose! You need a strong enough will to overcome your heart being consumed by darkness! It’s not the freaking Foreign Legion!”

“Take it easy,” Danny said as he noted the new charge. Laura ceased ranting, instead choosing to growl at the angsty little Nobody!Sue.

but Freanix plays it off like it never even happened, and it was so bad we had to keep Frixie away because she would have ratted us out…but Frixie…and Kirxie…!"

Danny rolled his eyes. “Well, that was some nice vague backstory,” he said. Laura flipped the bird at the sobbing Sue.

"Oh dear, Hun what's wrong did Axel hurt you?"

Laura went wide-eyed. “What the hell did they do to Larxene?” she said dumbfounded.

Danny looked up from his writing to see the only canonical female Organization member comforting Freyax. “I take it that’s not in character for her, then.”

“You think?! Larxene’s a psychopath! If she were actually in character, she’d be tormenting Freyax instead of helping her.” She glared as Larxene escorted Freyax to her room, leaving Axel behind. “At the very least, she’d be mocking her.”

Danny nodded as he jotted something down on his notepad. “Let’s go check on our next contestant,” he said. “I need a break from the angst.”

* * *

Freanix jumped up and down giddily, happy to find her room at last.

“Well… it’s not angst.”

Laura snorted. “I think I preferred the angst to all this peppiness.” The Nobody!Sue was gleefully hopping around a smitten Demyx.

"YAY! What's it like inside?" She asked the nocturne. Demyx replied, "Well… imagine what you want it to look like and open the door!"

“Close your eyes,” Danny whispered. “Make a wish. Count to three.”

“If you start singing that song, I will punch you again,” said Laura.

“Duly noted.” Danny lapsed into silence as the Sue opened her bedroom door.

it had a black rose of the desk next to her bed, and fallen angels upon her walls, along with a canopy bed with lacey, frilly things going across it with one big picture of a fallen angel on her covers.

The two agents blinked in astonishment. Danny closed his eyes and shuddered. “There are angels nailed to the walls,” he eventually managed.

“Gee, I didn’t notice that, thanks,” Laura glared at the desk, which appeared to be made out of a black rosebush. It was better than looking at the walls. “Mark her down for making impossible furniture and unnecessary cruelty to mythological creatures. DUCK!”

“Wha—” Danny looked up from his notepad just in time to be shoved into a shadowy alcove. Demyx dashed past, leading the Sue by the hand.

“They’re going to his room,” Laura said. She scanned the Words. “The Sue gives him a little fallen angel pendant and a peck on the forehead for being ‘such a kind friend.’ He is so not getting any.” She smirked at Danny. “You probably know what that’s like.”

“Ooh! Going for the low blow! Them’s not kosherized rules.”

“Hah! At least you have good taste in TV.” She stretched and leaned against the wall. “We’ll wait here for a few minutes. The Sue won’t spend too long shooting Demyx down.”

Danny nodded. He reached into one of the cloak pockets and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a matchbook.

Laura raised a quizzical eyebrow. “A smoker too?” she said. “You didn’t strike me as the type.”

“A nasty little habit I picked up in grad school,” he said. The glow from his cigarette outlined his face in the darkness of the Organization hood. “There aren’t a lot of ways to relax when you’ve got to write a twenty-page paper in a night.” He held out the pack to Laura.

“No thanks,” she said. “I’ll stick with energy drinks and sugary snack foods.”

“Each to his or her own.” He blew some smoke into the air.

Laura looked around the corner of their alcove. “Douse it,” she said, her voice all business. “The Sue’s back.”

Freanix walked into her room and fell in love with it all over again. As she walked to her closet to check what kinda clothes they had given her, she noticed this flash of black that zoomed by out of the corner of her eye. (Teehee I made a funny)

“If you have to tell someone that you made a joke,” Danny said as he stubbed out his cigarette underfoot, “odds are that it wasn’t that good of a joke.”

It was a neoshadow, a heartless a cute innocent one…and really what harm was it now that they didn't have hearts, Freanix picked it up and held it close to her. "Oh your so cute!!"

“Neoshadows are not freaking cute,” Laura growled. “They’re frigging shadow demons! What’s a Heartless even doing in The Cas— I mean, Castle Obli— Nobody headquarters! This is a Nobody-only zone.”

“And it’s why-oh-you-apostrophe-are-ee, not why-oh-you-are,” Danny grumbled as he wrote down the new charges. “I can’t believe I’m missing Pink Hair McAngst right now.”

“I wouldn’t say things like that if I were you. Now we’re going to get a whole chapter of dramatic whining.” Laura looked at the Words. “Wow, the third sister really got the short end of the stick. Only a few sentences of her flirting with Roxas.”

“Hmm. I wonder if she’d be open to getting a new job.”

* * *

Night had fallen over The Castle Oblivion That Never Was. Danny and Laura were crouched outside Angsty!Sue’s room with their hands pressed over their ears. Not that it did them much good.

Hello Everyone, Its me again, Freyax…Well I'm sure you all know the pairings by now…its kinda obvious…right. Well there's gonna be drama…well doesn't every story?

“An author’s note narrated by the characters…” Danny groaned as Freyax’s whiny voice forced itself inside his head. “Why must we suffer like this?” Laura just grimaced and tried to retreat further into her hood.

I feel bad so I'm gonna make this one long. Or try to, okay so please don't kill me! –hides behind Freanix- eep!

The author’s note finally ceased, granting the agents some respite. Laura ran the last part back through her mind and smirked. “It’s like she can see the future or something!” she said with no small amount of glee. “Too bad hiding behind her sister won’t save her Sue hide.”

Freyax awoke late at night in her pitch-black room, with tears rolling down her pale cheeks.

“If she breaks into an Evanescence song, I’m going in there to slit her throat,” said Laura.

“Hey, I like Evanescence!”

Laura stared at her partner. “You are one strange dude.”

Freyax walked out onto her balcony and sat down on the navy-blue chair. The heart-shaped moon hung high in the black sky as teeny little stars could hardly be made out do to the brightness of the castle.

“For a sinister cabal, the Organization sure has a lot of amenities for its members,” Danny said. “A pool, balconies, and rooms that change according to the whim of the occupant. Very nice.”

“Just because you’re evil doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pamper yourself,” Laura added.

Freyax started to sing random melodies in a soft, yet sad voice, Axel was unaware she was outside until he heard her voice drifting on the wind, he thought it was simply beautiful.

“Sonofa—” Laura stood up, one hand on a dagger and the other on the doorknob to Angsty!Sue’s room. Danny grabbed the hem of her cloak and pulled her back. “You’re lucky he was here,” she spat at the Sue’s door.

There was a whooshing sound from inside the room. “That’ll be Axel portaling in to do his ‘creepy stalker’ thing,” Danny said.

he walked over to Freyax and slid his hands across her waist, which ended with a gentle hug. Freyax on the other hand, dug her nails into his skin but he didn't let go. "Axel let go of me!" She said gritting her teeth, yet slightly blushing.

“Yeah, that’ll stop the creepy pedophile,” Danny said.

"Awww, c'mon Freyax its such a nice night can't we just stay like this, please!" Axel pleaded while nuzzling the back of her hair, breathing in her sweet scent. Almost intoxicated by her, he sat down in her chair and tried pulling her down to sit on his lap.

The CAD in Danny’s pocket began to whine again. He gingerly pulled it out, ready to toss it at the first sign of a critical failure.

[Axel. Male Nobody. Conanonical. 72.3% OOC.]

"Freyax…if… Look if you need to talk to anybody you can talk to me, I'll always be here for you!" he said concerned. Axel kissed her forehead and wiped away her tears.

“He’s up, he’s down; he’s all over the frigging charts!” Laura said. “The fic can’t decide whether he’s going to be a model boyfriend or a total perv.”

Both agents followed along with the Words. Axel and the Sue shared a touching moment before the Flurry teleported back to his room.

‘Why does she cry everytime I see her…is it me?…do I remind her of someone she lost?…but why would that affect her now? She shouldn't be able to feel?'

“Look! Canon!” Laura clapped her hands together in glee.

Axel kept pondering until he noticed he had an erection. "God dammit!!" He went into his bathroom, took a quick cold shower, dried off, and went to bed.

“…And it’s gone.” She sighed and started fiddling with the portal generator. “I really wanted to know about a Nobody’s dong. Thank you, badfic!” The new portal opened with a crackle of energy. The agents hopped through as Angsty!Sue drifted off to sleep, visions of whiny morons in black cloaks dancing in her head.

* * *

“Shopping.” Laura’s voice had lost all inflection.

Danny consulted the Words again. “Yes,” he said.

"Freyax, wake up and come out here, were going shopping."

Laura facepalmed as Cheery!Sue Freanix pounded on her sister’s door. “Sweet mother of Gordon Freeman, why?” she said. “Why shopping?!”

“She, ah, wants to get a bathing suit that isn’t black.” Danny winced as his partner cursed for twelve straight seconds. “I take it you’re not a swimmer, then.”

“How much longer do we have to put up with this crap?!”

“There’s still one more chapter.” Laura launched into another string of curses. “What are they doing now?”

“Freanix is restyling her sister’s room while Frixie is in the bathroom debating with herself over whether she likes Axel or not. Frixie was apparently not invited.” He paused as the two girls emerged from the bedroom and ran into Xigbar and Xaldin.

Xigbar spoke up," Hey girls where are you two rushing off to??" "just a little shopping with my sista" Freanix replied with a huge smile.

“Did she really just say ‘sista?’ ” Danny said, blanching inside the darkness of his cloak.

“Oh no she di’nt!” Laura snapped her fingers and cocked her hip.

“...Yeah, never do that again.”

"gawd that sounds sooo much fun Xiggy we should so go with them, I mean if it's ok with you girls" Xaldin replied with a smirk"

There was a squeal from Danny’s cloak pocket, followed by some smoke. The malfunctioning CAD burned through his cloak and fell to the floor, where it gave another puff of smoke and a few sparks before expiring.

“A Replacement!Sue,” Laura said. “Good thing this Xaldin doesn’t seem that combat ready. I had a hell of time trying to take the real one down in the game. The King had to bail me out twice.”

“I’m fine by the way,” Danny muttered, wincing as he patted out a small fire on his butt. “Just had an electronic device explode into my backside, but I’m okay.”

“Overstatement, much?” Laura said as she opened a portal to Twilight Town. “You’ll be fine, you wimp. Just talk to the doc after the mission.”

They emerged from the portal into a shopping mall. The Nobody!Sues plus Xigbar were already there, making a beeline for a clothing store. Danny and Laura followed them in, taking cover behind a rack of shoes.

Laura sighed as she watched Freyax look off into the middle distance. “She’s angsting again,” she muttered.

She looked at the one she grabbed and it was a nice red one that she new was good enough for one stupid pool party she didn't even want to go to because Axel was hosting it.

“Axel’s hosting a pool party?” Danny asked.

“Well, he’s gotta do something in between blowing up Vexen and betraying the Organization for the sake of his best friend,” said Laura. “Pool parties are the logical choice.”

"Hey Xiggy does this dress make me look fat!!??" Xaldin said loudly so everyone could hear.

There was an uncomfortable pause from the assassin’s shoe rack. “At least now we can definitively say that Xaldin’s been replaced,” Danny finally managed.

“I’m not sure whether to laugh at how unbelievably over the top that was or just kill everyone in the room,” Laura said. “Do we really need any more charges against these guys?”

“There are still a few charges we’ve got to pick up at the pool party itself.”

Laura grinned nastily at the pack of Nobodies as they headed out of the shop towards the food court. “And then we take ‘em down,” she said. She pulled a dagger out from her cloak and spun it in her hand. “My idea of a happy ending.”

* * *

Freanix awoke that fine morning and started dancing around her room singing Disney songs and fixing her blood red hair.

“Hey, her hair color was finally settled!” said Laura as Cheery!Sue’s hair ceased switching between crimson and sea-blue. “Good. I was getting tired of that whole ‘defective stop light’ thing she had before.” The two agents were standing on Freanix’s balcony, peeping in through the open door.

“Singing Disney songs?” Danny said. “But Disney characters are real in this universe! How could she possibly know the words if the films don’t—” He stopped midsentence and shook his head violently, a look of intense discomfort on his face. “Logic has no place here.” He squinted at the Words. “What’s Angsty up to?”

Freyax woke up but didn't want to stay up. 'Oh no the day of the pool party. How she dreaded to go. She really didn't want to go Axel was just going to get seductive and just want to get me drunk and get into my pants.' She thought with disgust.

Danny winced. “Those sentences hurt my brain,” he moaned. “I miss proper punctuation.”

“Parties cut into her brooding time,” said Laura. She took Danny by the sleeve and pulled him towards the door. “Let’s go take care of Xaldin!Stu. He doesn’t show up for the rest of the story, I checked.”

“And the Sues?” Danny asked as he trailed in the shorter assassin’s wake.

“Cheery!Sue makes pancakes and Angsty!Sue and Axel have more UST while cleaning up. Trust me, we’re missing nothing.”

“How do you even know where the phony Xaldin is?” Danny asked as they quick-marched through the blank white halls.

“Based on what the Suethor has written about him so far…” She stopped in front of a pink door and pointed at it, a smug expression on her face. “Probably in there,” she finished. ‘XALDIN’ had been printed on the door in large colorful letters.

Danny shook his head sadly as Laura pounded on the door.

“Xiggy is that you?” After a few moments, the door opened. “Ooh newcomers!” Xaldin!Stu said. “What brings you knocking on my door? Personal business I hope!” He winked at Danny.

“Ah hah hah.” Danny faked laughter as he took a step away from the Stu. “Xaldin, aka Replacement Stu,” he said. “You are charged with replacing a canon character, being an unbelievably over the top stereotype, and making Xigbar out of character.” She looks up. “Anything to say?”

Xaldin!Stu’s impressive eyebrows furrowed. “Huh?”

“Good enough for me!” Laura said. Her right arm blurred. Xaldin!Stu suddenly doubled over.

“Personally, I would have wanted my last words to be something nice and defiant,” Danny said conversationally. “Cliché, I know, but they’re often very dramatic.” The fake Nobody crumpled to the floor before evaporating into darkness.

“That’s what I love about Nobodies,” Laura said as she sheathed her dagger. “They’re self-cleaning.”

After a few minutes of search, the two agents found the plot hole where Xaldin had been stashed. He looked dazed as they pulled him out. “What…” he murmured. “What is…”

“Everything you need to know can be explained right here,” Danny said as he pulled out his neuralyzer. The Whirlwind Lancer opened his mouth to form another question before the flash stunned him into silence. “You’ve been away at Beast’s Castle,” the agent went on to say. “You weren’t successful in turning Beast into a Heartless so you’ve been holed up in here working on a new plan.”

“Not a bad cover story!” Laura said as Danny folded up his sunglasses and tucked them back into his cloak. “You really are up your research. And you’ve never played Kingdom Hearts?”


Laura nodded as she checked the words. “Looks like the pool party’s about to begin,” she said with a shudder. “Let’s hustle.”

The two agents arrived by the pool (“changing canon architecture,” Danny wrote) just in time to see the Sues strut their stuff in front of the rest of the Organization.

Freanix walked down the long flight of stairs wearing that blue swimsuit with a short black shirt and black high heels. 'This is defiantly going to impress Zexion' she thought.

“High heels at a pool party?” Laura’s eyes widened in surprise as she watched Cheery!Sue. “Can you say ‘safety hazard?’ How about ‘ruined high heels?’ Sheesh, even Angsty knows to wear more pool-appropriate footwear!” she said as Freyax followed her sister in a red swimsuit and flip-flops. The third sister, off to the side as was the norm for a bit character, was wearing a simple black one-piece number.

After a bit of posing, Cheery!Sue walked right past the staring Demyx and sat next to Zexion, who was sitting on a deckchair reading a book. He didn’t look up until she began to speak.

"H-hi Zexion h-having fun?" she said nervously. "Oh hey Freanix….um kinda just reading my book I guess. Wow you look beautiful nice choice in clothing." He said smiling slightly with a small blush of his handsome face. Freanix couldn't believe it he actually complimented her.

“Well, the reading bit is accurate,” Laura said. “But Zexion actually calling somebody beautiful? No way. Not unless it’s part of some scheme or something.”

Then out of no where he leaned over and kissed her! 'Is this a dream?' Freanix thought. 'I've always wanted to be with Zexion and now he's actually kissing me!'

“What, no small talk? No buying her a drink first?” Danny marveled.

“By this rate, they’ll be boinking each other in ten minutes and talking about china patterns for the wedding reception in twenty,” the other agent said. She played with her daggers impatiently. “Can we get on with this now?”

“Yeah, I think we’ve got enough.” He quickly grabbed onto Laura’s shoulder before she could leap out and ventilate the Sues. “Wait. I’ve got a plan.”

* * *

Freyax walked by Axel and took off her skirt and flip-flops right in front of him making sure to slowly slide the skirt off her waist and bending over low. She slowly brought her hands up her legs, she put them in the air, held her hands together and stretched. Freyax took the clip out of her hair and swished it as sparkles flung off her purple-pink locks. She looked over her shoulder for a quick minute--

--and saw a blond man in an Organization cloak standing behind her. It wasn’t Luxord; this man didn’t have a beard. “Who are you?” Freyax asked.

“My name’s—” the man hesitated for a moment. “Dannyx,” he finally said. “I need to speak with you and your sister Freanix in private. There’s something very important that only you can hear.”

Axel glared at the newcomer. “I’ve never seen you before,” he said.

“I’m new.” He turned his attention back to Freyax. “It’s about, uh… Kirxie! Yeah, yeah. Kirxie.”

Freyax gasped. “Kirxie!” she exclaimed. “But I thought—”

“There’s no time, you and your sister have to come with me now.”

The purple-pink haired Nobody nodded. “Right of course.” She ran over to where her sister was sprawled over Zexion, playing with his hair. “Get up! This guy has something to tell us about Kirxie!”

The crimson-haired girl sighed as she got out the smitten Schemer’s lap. “What is it?” she asked.

“Just follow me an everything will be explained.” Dannyx walked back into the castle with the girls tagging at his heels.

After a few minutes, he led them into Proof of Existence. The blue flickering panels showing each Organization member’s rank and weapon looked like tombstones. There was another person waiting there, a redheaded woman. She smiled at the sisters as Dannyx ushered them in.

“Took you long enough, Danny,” she said as she pulled two daggers from her belt.

“What’s this about?” Freyax demanded, stamping her foot for emphasis.

Danny pulled a notepad out of his pocket and cleared his throat. “Freyax and Freanix, aka Angsty!Sue and Cheery!Sue, you are charged with the following crimes against canon.”

“Settle in, ladies, this could take a while,” the redhead said with a smirk. She began fiddling around with a strange-looking device

“Being Mary Sues,” Danny went on, ignoring the interruption. “Abusing punctuation marks, not understanding how periods work, switching perspective without warning, making almost every Organization XIII member out of character, putting Riku in Organization XIII, cross cultural contaminations—”

“Bisquick in Kingdom flipping Hearts!”

“Having improbable hair and eye colors even for a Square Enix game, having annoying IC author’s notes, changing the architecture of Twilight Town, changing the architecture of The Castle That Never Was—”

“Thinking that Castle Oblivion is the same thing as The Castle That Never Was!”

“I was getting to that, thank you Laura. Making Axel an ephebophile, unnecessary cruelty to mythological creatures, creating a Cute Heartless Friend—”

The redhead held up a struggling sack. “Right here!”

“Making Organization XIII throw a pool party, making Nobodies feel emotions, and annoying PPC agents. The sentence is death. Do you have any last words?”

“What the hell are you—” Angsty!Sue started.

“Actually, could you two stand a little closer together?” Danny waved at the two to move. They did so, confusion and anger evident on their faces. “Okay, thanks. NOW you can go on with your last words.”


Angsty!Sue never got to finish her demand as a portal suddenly opened up beneath her and her sister. The two Sues shrieked as they fell into a sea of sword-wielding Heartless. Their screams didn’t last very long.

Laura strolled over and looked through the portal. “I can’t believe those Sues went down to Armored Knights,” she said. “They’re some of the weakest Heartless in the game!” She tossed the Cute Heartless Friend-In-A-Sack through the portal before closing it up.

“Well, there were a thousand of them,” Danny said as he tucked his notepad back into his cloak.

“Eh. I could take ‘em.”

* * *

Back at the noncanonical pool, the Organization was begin to awaken from their Sue-induced stupors and return to their regular characterizations. Reactions to their new surroundings were... mixed.

“This is awesome! When did we get a pool?”

“We have never had a pool, Demyx. The Superior would not allow the construction of such an unnecessary device. I will suck you into the Lexicon if you splash me.”

“What is one of the Keybrat's friends doing here?”

“You abducted me! I think. I don’t know! Everything’s kind of a blur…”

“Axel, were you hitting on a teenager before?”

“Shut up, Roxas, just SHUT UP! That did NOT happen!”

“Who are you?”

Frixie pressed herself against a poorly defined wall in panic. “I-I-I-I…” she stammered as Luxord continued to stare at her.

“What’s the matter with you?” he said. “I asked you a simple question, my girl. Who are you and what are you doing here?”

“She’s with us.”

The two looked up to see a tall blond man in an Organization cloak and dark glasses standing by the door back into The Castle That Never Was. A similarly attired redhead with an obnoxious grin was next to him.

Luxord looked a bit nonplussed. “And you are…”

“Just passing through,” the blond said.

“Though if you wanted us to stick around, Luxy, I’d be glad to,” the redhead added, winking at the Gambler. The blond elbowed her in the ribs.

“Trust me,” the man said. “Coming with us is probably going to end better than staying here.”

After looking over the confused and potentially-soon-to-be-hostile Organization, Frixie joined the two strangers by the door. “Good choice, kid,” the redhead said. “Now, you might want to shut your eyes for this next bit. Tight as you can.”

The blond man held up a strange silver device and cleared his throat. “Excuse me!” he shouted. “I know you’re all confused, but everything will be explained if you all just look right here!”

* * *

“… and that’s what we do, in a nutshell,” Danny said. "Do you understand?"

He looked at the silent Nobody. They were back in the Response Center. The Organization had been neuralized, Riku had been returned back to the company of the King, and all remnants of the Sues had been cleared out. Well, apart from this last remnant, anyway.

The former Sue sister was very tall, almost as tall as Danny. Her blue hair hung down to just below her collarbone. She had a thin face and somewhat pinched features, which were now pinched even further in thought.

“I… believe so,” she said hesitantly. “This is a little hard to come to grips with.”

Laura emerged from the bunkroom carrying a bundle of wires. “That’s what Bleepka’s for!” she said with a smile on her face. “After a few glasses of that, you can come to grips with almost anything.” She crossed over to a few boxes marked ‘Research Materials’ and began unpacking them.

“Thank you Laura, you’re a tremendous help,” Danny deadpanned before turning his attention back to the Nobody. “I’ll have someone take you to PsychFic for evaluation. You’re happy with your new name?”

“It is satisfactory enough. I did not care much for the name Frixie,” the Nobody replied. “Xericka will be an acceptable replacement.”

Danny nodded. “Rachel!” he shouted. The brunette intern bounded in from the bunkroom. “Can you take Xericka down to the Marquis’ office with a copy of our mission report?”

“No problem!” She took the proffered report from Danny and grabbed Xericka’s hand. “So you’re really from the KH-verse?” she said. “Ohmigod, that game is awesome! My favorite character is definitely Roxas, he’s just so cute and troubled! Do you have any Lust Objects? I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I know it can be a weird subject to bring up right out of the blue, but I think…” Her voice trailed off as she skipped out of the RC, dragging a confused and somewhat horrified-looking Xericka behind her.

Danny watched as they left. “She took our murdering her sisters a lot better than I thought she would.” He uneasily rubbed the back of his neck.

“And Homework Boy strikes out again,” Laura said as she pulled a PS3 out of one of the ‘Research Materials’ boxes. “She’s a Nobody, remember? And the defining characteristic of Nobodies is…”

It dawned on Danny. “No hearts! No hearts equal no real emotion!”

“Besides,” Laura went on, “if I had sisters who ignored me and generally acted like those Sues did, you would not see me crying any tears if someone threw them to an army of shadow demons.”

“I suppose.” Danny looked over at Laura, who was wrestling with a knot of power cords. “One mission down. So what now?”


“You just had to say something, didn’t you?”
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October 2016

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