vgdivision: (logic fail)
[personal profile] vgdivision
(Disclaimer: The PPC was originally created by Jay and Acacia. ‘The Citadel’s Trump’ ( was originally written by Nukicide, aka the ender of lives.. Mass Effect and its associated characters belong to Bioware. Mystery Science Theater belongs to Best Brains. Laura, Xericka, and Rachel belong to me. The following story contains violence and bad language.)

*The PPC movie theater. Laura is sitting – well, slouching – in the front row. Next to her are a young female quarian and a heavily-tattooed woman. They are both regarding their surrounds with a sort of curious bewilderment.*

LAURA: Hey, what’s up? I’m Laura Dukes and welcome to Mystery Science Theater! With me today are two of the stars of Bioware’s Mass Effect series: Tali’Zorah vas Normandy—
*Tali waves hello.*
LAURA: –and Subject Zero, also known as Jack!
JACK: Hey.
LAURA: Danny’s supposed to be here too, but he ran off with his hands over his ears after I told him we were sporking another story by the guy who made the Sandwich!Stu.
TALI: The what?
LAURA: I’ll tell you later, it’s a long and hilarious story. Anyway, the fic’s been delayed until Rachel tracks him down. Big baby.
TALI: Are this author’s stories really that bad?
LAURA: Depends on how much stupidity and bad spelling you can tolerate.
TALI: So that’s why you took away our guns when we came in here. Great.
JACK: Hey, no problem. Working with Cerberus has given me a very high tolerance for morons.
*The projection booth window opens and Rachel leans out.*
RACHEL: Sorry, boss, but I couldn’t find Danny anywhere! I checked the library and the Bleepka Bar and the fountain and the general store and –
LAURA: I know what ‘anywhere’ means, Rachel.
JACK: I guess that means we can’t watch the story! What a fucking shame. *gets up to leave*
RACHEL: You guys didn’t let me finish! I didn’t find Danny, but I was able to find a substitute!
LAURA: Somebody volunteered? What kind of lunatic –
*A portal of absolute darkness opens up in the aisle. Xericka emerges and gives the other riffers a cursory examination.*
JACK: Holy shit!
XERICKA: Hello, Laura. It is good to see that you are well.
LAURA: Xericka? What – I don’t – why the hell did you agree to this?
XERICKA: I felt that experience with badfic from the Mass Effect continuum would be useful. Gremlin declined to accompany me, as she is still recovering from our last visit here. *she sits next to Jack*
LAURA: …ooookay, then.
TALI: How’d you do that? Create that portal, I mean?
XERICKA: By altering the fabric of reality so as to gain access to a dimension of pure nothingness.
TALI: But how? The amount of energy required to sustain an inter-dimensional portal would be beyond the skills of even the most advanced technology!
TALI: Oh. *slumps a little in her seat*
*The lights in the theater dimmed as Rachel ducked back into the booth. A countdown appeared on the screen. 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…*

In fuchur time,

XERICKA: An inauspicious beginning.
LAURA: I can’t believe Danny’s missing this. His reaction to that spelling would have been priceless!
TALI: That sounds a bit like Miranda. You should have heard her when someone handed in a report with typos in it! *to Jack* I still think you kept doing that on purpose.
JACK: *innocent* Who, me?

humenz wer the bestest peepul in the universe and kikd evry1s asses and were betr than every1 else

TALI: Hey!
JACK: Well, the ass-kicking part’s true. For me, anyway.

cuz they had guns and ice cream and nukes and tits.

XERICKA: Those are certainly all remarkable developments, but I do not think they are necessary exclusive to the human race.
JACK: *points at Tali’s chest* Exhibit A.
TALI: Shepard never complained.
*Xericka raises an eyebrow.*

And the bestest man of all was Captain Max Killmastur,

LAURA: *throws up the horns, sings* THE ACE OF SPADES, THE ACE OF SPADES!

who savd the wurld from retard pigeon and zombie robotz.

TALI: Huh?
XERICKA: I anticipate that we will be repeating that word quite a bit throughout the course of this fic.

He wuz the bravest humen in the galxy

JACK: ‘Humen.’ Maybe that’s some kinda new species or something.
LAURA: Like a stupider offshoot of ordinary human beings?
JACK: Sounds like a good theory to me!

cuz he farted into spaes engine

XERICKA: Fart jokes: truly the apex of all forms of comedy.

and the engine blew up and kild bad guyz,

JACK: Hey, Tali! Would farting into one of the Normandy’s antiproton thrusters actually make it blow up?
TALI: I don’t think so. Anyone who’s gotten close enough to try while the thrusters were operating was disintegrated due to the heat.
JACK: Eh, that’d be pretty neat too.

but his butt got burnd

TALI: Disintegrated.
LAURA: *snorts dismissively* As if the laws of physics and thermodynamics can stand any chance against the powers of badfic.

and savd his BFFso Captain Max Killmastur died.

JACK: This is my favorite part of the story so far.
LAURA: Hey, mine too!

But there wuz hopz for the humenz.

XERICKA: Hops? So everyone had alcohol?
JACK: Sounds like a plan to me. There any chance we could—
LAURA: Nope.
JACK: Dammit.

Doctur drew put a bandaid on his but,

TALI: On his but what?
XERICKA: ‘But such a treatment was useless, resulting in the death of the false Shepard,’ with any luck.

and Captain Max Killmastur livd!

JACK: I can fix that. *hands begin to glow with biotic energy*

Then a G man grabd Captain Max Killmastur

LAURA: You know, if your writing style is shamelessly duplicated from Half Life: Full Life Consequences, you probably shouldn’t remind your audience of that by referencing Half Life.
XERICKA: If someone turns out to be ‘head crab zombie’ during the course of this badfic, I am going to leave.
TALI: Take us with you!

and told him "HUmenz FTW MOTHRFukA!"

JACK: *snorts* Not!The-Illusive-Man sounds like Youtube message post.
LAURA: Nah, he didn’t say ‘lol.’
XERICKA: Nor did he compare anyone else to Hitler.
TALI: Or make a stupid joke about the number of people who dislike the video.

So Captain Max Killmastur went with dum white bich and Rapr

*Jack’s bionics flare up again.*
XERICKA: Calm yourself. The fic is most likely referring to Miranda.
JACK: Oh! I got no problem with that.

on a flying rainbo unicornz.

LAURA: Hey, wannabe humor writers! Here’s a little tip: random crap does not equal funny!

He went to planetz with red frogz

TALI: The letter ‘s’ must have done something horrible to this author to be ignored so thoroughly.
JACK: Couldn’t be any more horrible then what I’m gonna do to this author.

and he found a doctr frog that sad "GANGSTAZ r sik, man!"

XERICKA: Word to your mother.
LAURA: *as Mordin* Not!Me’s speech patterns. Highly irregular. Unprofessional. Unbecoming of a scientist.
TALI: Hmm. That wasn’t a bad likeness.
JACK: Betcha can’t sing like him, though!
LAURA: Nobody can sing like Mordin.

So Captain Max Killmastur had koolaid party with Cripz and Bluds

LAURA: Jonestown-style, I hope.

and he nuked them and evry1 on planet died and doctr frog waz hapy.

XERICKA: Our hero, the genocidal maniac.
*Everyone golf claps.*
JACK: Shit, man. I may be a murderous bitch, but even I’d hesitate at killing off an entire planet. Unless they pissed me off, of course. Then all bets are off.

Then alienz Robocop said

TALI: Shepard showed Garrus an old copy of that film once. He loved it.
LAURA: Doesn’t surprise me in the least.

"Frend told mean peepul about me and got flamd on internetz. Let's go kil him!"

LAURA: Whoa, trolling’s a risky business in the future!
JACK: The crime: being an ass on the Internet. The punishment: death!

Then Captain Max Killmastur shot Frend in knee and chopd off fingurz and lit him on fir and threw him into freezing oshen

LAURA: He set the guy on fire before tossing him into the freezing ‘oshen?’ That just seems inefficient.
TALI: Maybe he wanted to use wildly variant temperatures to cause this individual to shatter in pieces.
LAURA: Hmm. As a PPC assassin, I can recognize why you might want to set up such an elaborate death. Objection withdrawn!

but it was all okay cuz he wuz bad.

XERICKA: Oh, he was bad. That makes everything fine, then.
JACK: Maybe I should try using that excuse more often.

Then they met ugly fat dinosar and dinosar said "I make superdupr Dinosar and takes ovr wurld!

LAURA: *whips head around* Of course!

But Captain Max Killmastur got a bb gun and shot the bad guyz eye out

XERICKA: Is that a subtle if completely random reference to A Christmas Story?
LAURA: Subtle? In this fic? I don’t buy it.
TALI: Maybe it was unintentional.
LAURA: That I’d accept.

and he got hit by a icicle and he kikd him down a long slide into space and he exploded.

XERICKA: Apparently it was intentional. No longer subtle and still completely random, but intentional nevertheless.
LAURA: So not only is it a trollfic, it’s a cracky trollfic. *slaps palm against forehead*

Then he got suprdupr dinsar and they playd Wii Fit and became Best frendz

JACK: Buttered peach pits! Stock cars on ice! Captain Crunch for leader of the Council!
*The other riffers looks at Jack.*
JACK: Hey, if the fic’s just gonna say random shit, then I’m just gonna say random shit.

Then they needed to get gas for magical unicorn so they had to gas stashin.

TALI: *as Shepard* It appears that we’re not going to make it. Someone’s going to have to get out and push.

They bot gass but Captain Max Killmastur was hungry so he bought a Subjekt 1337.

TALI: So Not!Jack is some sort of snack sold at fueling stations?
LAURA: Snap into a Slim Jack!
JACK: Eat me.

Subjekt 1337 was angryies at gas statishin

XERICKA: That is understandable. If someone sold me off as food I would probably be none too pleased myself.

so she gave Captain Max Killmastur a firekraker and he put the firekraker in the gas station and half the universe eksploded

LAURA: Once again, our hero, ladies and gentlemen!
*Everyone golf claps.*

and 999999999999999999 peepul died but no one caredz cuz they weren't important.

JACK: So in this version of our universe, murder is okay if the victims are either bad guys or unimportant. *beat* Heh. Sounds like my kinda place!
XERICKA: Would you not be considered a ‘bad guy’ there?
JACK: Not from my point of view, and that’s the only point of view that matters!

Then they went to humanz town

TALI: Where they have strict laws against the letter ‘s.’
LAURA: Anyone caught using proper spelling and grammar within town limits is put in the stockade for a day.
JACK: *with Southern accent* What we have here is a failure to fail to communicate.

but humanz town wer getting atakd by Cockroachez!

XERICKA: Is this going to turn into Starship Troopers?
LAURA: Sweet Jebus, I hope not.

So Captain Max Killmastur got a giant can of bug spray and puta match in front of it

LAURA: OH DEAR SWEET – wait. Okay, phew. I thought that said ‘futa’ for a moment.
JACK: What is –
XERICKA: *quickly interrupting* Something you can look up for yourself later. Let us move on.

and they all died and it wuz funy cuz they wer screaming "AAAAAHaHAHAH I'm on FIYA!"

JACK: Yeah, it was hilarious how they were all shrieking in pain as they burned to death. Remember that?
LAURA: *sings* I heard somebody say BURN, baby burn!

but Captain Max Killmastur wuz like "Lololololololololol"

TALI: Once more, our hero, who laughs moronically at the suffering of others!
*Everyone golf claps.*

Then Captain Max Killmastur meetz this gasmask lady

TALI: Oh no.
XERICKA: You had to realize this was inevitable, Tali.
TALI: Yes, but I would have preferred later than sooner.

and she cryd "Evry1 says I'm evul cuz my dady wuz turning robots on and they likd it"

*Laura and Jack both burst out laughing. Tali is speechless.*
LAURA: Show me on the doll where the quarian touched you.
*Tali recovers enough to punch Laura in the face.*
TALI: We shall never speak of this moment again. Understand? *shudders* I think I’ll be having nightmares for a while now…
LAURA: *rubs her jaw* Sheesh, you hit a lot harder than I thought you could. Better not have chipped any of my teeth.

But Captain Max Killmastur knew the best wayz to solve problem was with a gun

JACK: Biotics work pretty well, too.

since guns are betr than wurds.

XERICKA: The words would probably work much more effectively if they were spelled correctly.
LAURA: Aaah! Chainsaw! The great communicator!

So he kild evry1 on robot ship and found that dady waz evil and dead

TALI: My father was NOT evil! There was no malice behind his actions. He was merely… misguided.
JACK: Stupid.
TALI: A little bit, perhaps. But he was not evil.

and he told evry1 the truth so lying is very very bad. But he kild all the judges 1 so evry1 forgot and every1 was very hapy.

LAURA: So lying is bad, but murdering legal officials is just fine?
JACK: Our hero, the complete and total douchebag!
*Everyone golf claps except for Tali, who sits in horrified silence.*
XERICKA: Tali? Are you feeling all right?
TALI: …there will be blood for this. I swear it.
JACK: Ah, sentiments I can identify with!

Then he went and found blu Lady

LAURA: Oh nice LAYDEEE, with the blueness and the mental powers and the HOYLE!

and Blu lady wuz like "My daughter is very bad cuz having sexy time makes people eksplode. "

*Laura opens her mouth.*
XERICKA: If you make a Borat reference, I will not hesitate to ask Tali to hit you again.
*Laura closes her mouth.*

So they found Blu lady's daughter but Captain Max Killmastur got bored

JACK: And so decided to wipe out several sentient races for giggles.
TALI: That wouldn’t surprise me in the least.

so he had sexy time with both of them

TALI: Uh… that, however, would surprise me.
XERICKA: I was under the impression that sleeping with an Ardat-Yakshi would cause hemorrhaging into the brain and death.
LAURA: *snorts* As if the laws of canonical biology can stand any chance against the powers of badfic.

and then he killed the daughter by drowning her with happiness.

XERICKA: That is an odd and out-of-place metaphor.
JACK: Water would be more effective.

Then they met lizard dude and lizard dude wuz sad cuz his son wants to kil rasist alien.

LAURA: And then he killed everyone, hah hah hah, moving on.

So Captain Max Killmaster told lizard dude and son that killing is ok if it makez peepul very happy.

TALI: You see, when an assassin and his target love each other very much…
XERICKA: Perhaps we have misunderstood this fic. Maybe it is a commentary on the notion of Nietzsche’s concept of the Superman.
LAURA: Yeah, but that would require actual logic.
XERICKA: Which has no place in badfic. I know. *shakes her head and sighs*

So they kild him and evry1 was happy.

LAURA: Wait, who did they kill? Was it the alien or Not!Shepard?
JACK: *crosses fingers* Come on, Not!Shepard. Come on, Not!Shepard!
XERICKA: There are still twelve sentences remaining in this fic.
LAURA: Hey, you can describe a funeral in twelve sentences!

Then G Man said "GO on COCKROACH SHIP LOL"

TALI: ...How did you do that?
LAURA: I'm fluent in both l33t and chatsp34k, n00b.

BUT Captain Max Killmastur went on ship and found out "COCKROACHES ARE GOOD GUYS? O MI !"

TALI: But he ends up killing them all anyway. Because it makes him feel VERY HAPPY.
LAURA: Still a little bitter about that whole ‘calling your father evil and killing the Admiralty Board’ thing, huh?
TALI: Just a little.

Then they found giant retard squid robot and saw ZOMBEE ROBOTZ!

JACK: *groans* Can we just throw up our hands, say ‘fuck this shit,’ and leave before this thing gets any stupider?
XERICKA: I am afraid you are with us for the duration.
JACK: This almost makes me wish I were back in prison.

But then XBOX atakd the robots but it got shot and went Red RING.

LAURA: See? That’s why the Playstation 3 is the superior machine. That’s right, I went there!
TALI: Oh no you di-in't!
LAURA: Oh yes I di-id!
*Xericka does the triple finger snap.*

But then the Cockroaches came and took all his frendz. They said "WE GOT UR DUDEZ"

LAURA: All your dudez are belong to us.
TALI: For great justice.
JACK: Somebody set us up the badfic!
XERICKA: Enough.

But Captain Max Killmastur was like "OH HELL NO MOTHRFUKRS!"

*Both PPC agents wince.*
TALI: What is it?
LAURA: My Immortal flashbacks. They’ll pass.
XERICKA: *muttering to herself* ‘Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful’ indeed…

And he chased aftr them and wuz ok cuz he put tinfoil on ship and its shiny so lazers bounce off.

*Tali facepalms, which makes a funny hollow sound due to her helmet.*

And he got a nuke and blew up the bad guys.

ALL: Our hero!
*Everyone golf claps.*

He then got all his frendz and he gave them nukler missile minigun litning death prototype sniper guns

JACK: Yeah, I got your overly described death prototype things right here! *Her hands flare with biotic power again.*

and then they savd the humans and killed the giant baby.

LAURA: Way to suck the terror out of the creepy-as-hell boss battle, badfic. Thanks.
TALI: It’s remarkable how stupid our adventures sound when described so poorly.

But baby was like "Wah" and he threw his bottle and hit Captain Max Killmastur

TALI: …I’m not even going to bother pretending to hope that Not!Shepard was killed.
XERICKA: You are learning. Hope, much like logic, has no place in the realms of badfic.
TALI: How are you two able to function in a place like this?
LAURA: Memory-wiping drugs, mostly.

but his frendz used the powur of friendship to save him

LAURA: *singing* ‘Cause that’s the power of love!
*Jack makes a gagging noise.*
TALI: I’m inclined to agree with Jack at this point.

and they had a big dance party with cake and chips and koolaid.

*Laura opens her mouth.*
XERICKA: You already made a reference to Jonestown.
LAURA: Dammit!

But then squid woke up and was like "TIMe to kik ass!" and 0198479237590823y50879 squids went to kill them all.

JACK: I fully support that plan!
TALI: As do I!
LAURA: Go Reapers go!
*The lights in the theater come back up.*
XERICKA: Interesting. It is rare to see a fic that so eagerly attacks the very concepts of both logic and humor.
JACK: Yeah, whatever. All I know is that is was total crap.
TALI: *holds head in hands* Oh keelah, I think my intelligence has actually gone down after reading that story!
JACK: Come on, Tali. Let’s get back to the Normandy. This makes fighting Husks look like a day at the fucking seaside.
TALI: Good idea.
*She and Jack depart.*
XERICKA: I suppose I should go check on Gremlin. Nothingness knows what new bizarre trouble she has gotten into in my absence. *portals out*
LAURA: Ditto what everyone else has said times three. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go track down my partner and give him a little what for. Rachel! Get the minis! The hunt is on! *makes her escape*


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October 2016

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